Of Wine, Readers, love

(This post is a long one. But I suggest that you read it with patience. It has something in it for everyone. And Inner Conscience joins the blog today to enlighten the Heart and the Brain about love)

POP!!!

SWOOSH!!!

And before you start wondering what the weird noises are, whats alcohol doing on this otherwise sober blog and how much more crazy can this guy get, let me explain. That is the popping of the champagne cork. And whats the occasion??? Nah its not that I proposed and she accepted. Not even close. (Though I did meet her - 7th time and 8th time!!!)

Its the 50th post on this blog people!!! Though I really dont like the taste of champagne nor wine for that matter (they really taste stupid and I have never understood what the fuss is all about) I thought its time to celebrate. But before you people start making party plans I thought I will intervene. This 50th post is fully dedicated to something. Nah, again a wrong guess. Its not (only) her. Its my readers. The number is too small but the people are all very special. Stepping Stones Stumbling Blocks was started not for all the people on the internet, but for a select few whom I know. I have a small reader base but unlike most of the other blogs where the writers want more and more people to visit their blog, I only prefer people who I invite to visit this blog. Because this blog actually represents what I really am and I dont reveal my true self to anyone who I dont trust. But who are these readers?

The list of people below is not a compilation of my friends, but a profile of my readers in no particular order. The first category has people who have commented, the second has people who dont usually comment or have commented on a lesser scale but who I am sure read it with the same enthusiasm as the first few.

Rupam - (Orkut Link) I met this guy for the first time on 20th September 2001. One of the very few guys who encouraged me by commenting on every post of mine from the beginning, gave me a critical analysis on my writing abilities, pointed out mistakes, pointed out improvement areas, gave me critical insights on various topics and gave me the right feedback for every post of mine. But I realise something now. He has done this not only on my blog but on every aspect of life for the last six years. I have had interesting arguments and debates with him on toics ranging from the uniform civil code to the way relationships are to be handled. He has a really cool analytical brain and his programming skills I am sure will take him places....

Satyakam (Is not in Orkut anymore) - I still remember how the two of us watched every episode of Friends till the 9th season in just one go. I have known him since the 19th of Sept, 2001. A very decent chap with a very good apetite like all Bengalis and he too has a very good analytical mind. He was the guy who taught me the pronunciation of the letter 'h', its 'aich and not 'hech'. Someone you can trust......

Rose (Is not appropriate to give the Orkut link since its not Her's alone) - Being the closed book that I am, She is one of the few who can see through me and read my thoughts pretty well. I have always admired her communication skills, her mastery over the English language and her very sharp observation power. A bit too smart and pretty manipulative (!)......

Karthik (Orkut Link) - I was browsing through some old (and I mean pretty old) photographs and saw one in which I think I was around 5 months old, and he about a year (that I guessed cos I was still not able to sit and was crawling and he was sitting !). I really wanted to load the photograph on this post but then decided against that (I was not dressed appropriately!!!). But it reminded me on how far we have come since then. He has been a part of my entire life and in all aspects of it. My definition of friendship is totaly different. A friend is one who will point out the mistakes in you and never feel uncomfortable doing so. He is one of them.

Akshat (Orkut Link) : There are many traits that I share with this guy. But the one that has kept us together is that we are both very complex to understand. But if you ever do understand who this guy is it will turn into a very fruitful relationship. He has unknowingly given me several valuble inputs that have influenced the contents of this blog.

The above are the ones who have kept the blog running. These are the people who comment, critisise and applaud. These are people who run their lives on one fuel - 'determination' and I have learnt a lot from them.

But there exist some people who do not comment or have commented on a small scale but read the blog and are part of my innermost circle of readers. (And believe me I have only one circle.)

Vinuthan (Orkut Link): I have used the dictionary to a large extent but have never looked up the meaning of one word - 'friendship'. I have never had to.

Anonymous : Hah!!! who the hell is this person? I dont know. But I do know that there is one person who visits my blog regularly. It has been very tough for me to track and identify him/her. This person does not leave any trail behind, but I sometimes feel that he/she doesnt want me to know who it is. And sometimes I feel I should respect his/her privacy. But you know I dont like unsolved mysteries.......

I have two readers from my professional life. But I have decided against revealing their names since I have never mixed my personal and professional life. But they have encouraged me a lot and I am totally grateful for their inputs.


And finally the new entrant into my readers list. Her. (And you expected me to give the Orkut link??) She has read the blog. But I dont know if she continues to read it. But believe me, she has influenced at least 20 posts of mine and thats a lot. Of course how can I not ...... Hah wait, my Brain and Heart are nudging me, they as usual have lots to say....

Brain : So what did you think of of the seventh/eighth meeting?

Heart : Hmm....did you observe something. Every time we meet her she looks more beautiful.....

Brian : You stole the exact thought from me. I was thinking the same too. But everytime we meet her she also sounds more and more sensible.

Heart : And how did your analysis turn out to be.

Brain : I didnt do any.....

Heart : What??? How could you do that. You said you would....

Brain : First thing, I was already on cloud number nine since she was talking to me. I actually expected her to avoid me since I was pretty sure she had read the blog. But as I was talking to her I felt I was wrong on many occassions.

Heart : Now thats a new brain I am seeing. I am seeing that you are confused for the first time.

Brain (glaring): Of course I am not. But do you know what I just realised. I am not the kind of person who believes in irrational infactuations. And neither does she. And the other thought bugging me is this. What if she does read the blog, figure out that its her we are talking about and then gets uncomfortable about it and labels me as insensitive.

Heart : What??? Is it really the brain who is talking like this. It looks like we have had a role reversal. You are having thoughts that I actually should have had....

Brain : I think we should apologize.

Heart : What???

Brain : And move on in life.

Heart : huh....Am I hearing right???

Brain : I am getting the feeling that she shares no such feelings towards you. Why do you want to hurt her feelings?

Heart : I dont get it.....

Inner Conscience : Can I interrupt?

Heart : What....Now everyone wants to join the party? Dont you know too many cooks spoil the broth....

Inner Conscience : Its time I intervened. I am here to actually save the broth. Let me ask a question. Can one of you summarize what you have understood about love and relationships till now....

Brain : Ok let me put it this way. The laws are attraction are governed by the pure sciences. A relationship begins with one person somehow liking another. I believe it is purely biology in play. The other person may also like him/her and there may be mutual attraction. I believe that at this point it is both biology and chemistry in the picture. Once there is mutual consent the mother of all sciences joins chemistry and biology and plays the most important role - it is mathematics. Now there is one factor that binds biology, chemistry and mathematics. Man has named it God. There is one factor that binds a relationship. I think it is called love.

Heart : Huh!! Thats some weird analysis.

Inner Conscience (Ignoring the Heart) : I am happy that the both of you have come out at least with this. But I still find that you have equated an unknown quantity to love and you do not substantiate the reasoning. But I know what you are intending to say. While the two of you went on bickering trying to 'find' love, I went on a mission to 'understand' love. Yesterday I found the most convincing answer in the book 'The 7 habits of Highly Effective People' by Stephen Covey. The author is involved in a conversation ..... Now the following is an excerpt from his book -

"
At one seminar where I was speaking on the concept of proactivity, a man came up and said,

"Stephen, I like what you're saying. But every situation is so different. Look at my marriage. I'm really worried. My wife and I just don't have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don't love her anymore and she doesn't love me. What can I do?""

The feeling isn't there anymore?" I asked.

"That's right," he reaffirmed. "And we have three children we're really concerned about. What do you suggest?"

"Love her," I replied.

"I told you, the feeling just isn't there anymore."

"Love her."

"You don't understand. The feeling of love just isn't there."

"Then love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her."

"But how do you love when you don't love?"

"My friend, love is a verb. Love -- the feeling -- is a fruit of love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?"



In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They're driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so.

Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured.
"

Inner Conscience : Now what do the both of you have to say to that.

Heart : Love is a verb. At last I feel that I am on the right path to enlightenment. There's a lot more to understand but I feel that you have put us in the right direction.

Brain : But what do we do about Her now? I feel that I saw plain innocence and sincerity in her eyes.

Inner Conscience : Leave that decision to me

Brian : Good. But since we have figured out what love is can we have the champagne now!!!

Heart : Yup the readers must be waiting for a toast.

Brain : Who do we toast it to? The Blog? The Readers? Her? God? Love?

Heart : To all of them!!!!!!!

PS: People who have actually bothered to keep count of the number of posts will immediately point out that this is the 48th post and not the 50th. I have 2 posts in draft state and they are not published yet since they have startling revelations!!! A guy is free to keep his secrets!!!

Shedding Tears.....

I was just indulging in reminiscence by going through some old posts and I found that I was totally wrong on one aspect of my crush. It is not 8 months old...its been a year!!! And that too exactly a year!!!. Just go to this post written on 25th Apr 2006 and search for the word 'bowling' in the webpage which includes the comments. And that too it was one of my readers who has mentioned Her for the first time on my blog. So its actually been a year since She has captivated me!!! Am I going to make a move? Hmm...my heart and brain are yet deeply analysing that decision and I have no plans of annoying them till they come out with some results.

I was just about to write some managing time fundas when I spotted that Satyakam (Another friend who again always writes comments when needed) has actually commented on my previous post and for the first time I got to know what my friends think of me. I have heard my manager tell me that I am ********* (I cant reveal my appraisal rating, can I?). But that doesnt make a difference because it is my professional life. But when it comes to my personal life I have never bothered to find out what people think of me since I have never cared. But now at least I have an idea.

Defensive - Now thats a good way to put it. But I dont know if thats the right word to use but I know what it is supposed to convey. And now for the best part -

"Ladies aspiring to be Mrs Sriniketh!!!" Believe me there are none currently. But he seems to be warning the ladies to beware of me!!! It is true that I am weird at times. I am pretty complex to understand since I am more of an introvert than an extrovert. But thats what I expect the 'ladies' to judge for themselves before having any aspirations to be Mrs Sriniketh (if there are any)!!!

Crushed for a year and then a testimonial from a friend - Time to look in the mirror to see if my eyes do reveal any emotions I guess!!!

Is that me?

(First I would like to acknowledge Rupam's comments on this, this and this post. He is one of the very few readers who has given the most appropriate comments on most of my posts!!!)

As I watched the episode of Friends where Chandler is called unemotional (the non crying type!!!) by the others it just struck me that I too fall a lot into that category. I thought I will just list some things (I dont know if its a list of flaws) about me that the people who read this blog will surely know about. And you might also ask me what I am doing trying to list my own flaws when I am actually trying to woo Her. (the usage of the word "woo" might sound quite dramatic but that is how one of my friends actually asked me "So are you trying to woo her?". And incidently that friend is the only one who actually guessed who She actually is). But coming back to the question on listing some questionalble traits at such a sensitive period, I feel that it shouldnt make a difference!!!

I am unemotional :
As I looked up the meaning of this word, it said "Not easily stirred or moved in feeling". And I somehow felt that I show this trait. I have also heard people say the following to me "This is the first time I am seeing you get emotional" or "I have never seen you get emotional". Among the few times that I could have actually got emotional, I have always tried to get the best out of the situation than lose control on my emotions. But then people could always ask "Doesnt anything move or stir you?" and "Would that mean that you are an insensitive guy?" Well relating unemotional and insensitive is a mistake. For example some things that does stir me are human relationships (read man - woman realtionship). So some of the love stories do move me but I would never cry out loud and that does not show my inner feelings does it? I am just not vocal about it.

I dont trust anyone easily:
Let me be frank, I actually trust no one expect me. But there are a few people who have actually entered my list of trustworthy people and believe me, the list is small.
I have a "dont care" attitude: I usually care only for stuff that I am really passionate about and dont give a second glance to things that dont affect me.

People say that I am lazy:
But I never procrastinate. I might not come for a movie or a dinner or maybe for a jog in the park but these are not things that fascinate me. And thus people term me as lazy. If you call me to a bookshop or to Corner House for some ice-cream I will never refuse!!!

I dont like to lose:
Now that does no mean that I am a sore loser. I just dont take up any activity without applying a lot of thought into it proving that I am a risk averse guy. But when I have taken up an endeavour I would have planned it to the last detail so that I dont fail. Due to this I have actually missed out of a lot of stuff which I could have done.

I am pretty manipulative:
Well usually the word manipulative has a negetive connotation attached to it. But I feel that being manipulative is very necessary in today's world if I need to succeed in meeting my ambitions.

Acceptance of one's traits is the first step to improvement. But I dont think I will compromise on any of the above!!!

The Heart dons the Thinking Cap

Heart: Didnt I tell you......You scared her away

Brain: Yeah I see that too.....Now what do we do? Maybe we can together brainstorm to find the solution

Heart: (Glaring at the brain) From now on you just remember that I am better equipped to deal with matters of the heart.

Brain: (in a dejected voice) Ok I apologize. But you can undertand my excitement right. For the first time I made a spontaneous decision without applying any thought.

Heart: Ok now for a change let me do the thinking instead of you and try to get us out of this....

A Risky Conversation....

As I did some tracking work I suddenly stumbled upon something. And that as usual led to a conversation.....

Brain: Hey do you want to hear something interesting ......

Heart: Always .... U know I lead a pretty mundane life. But I hope its not about the Abhi-Ash weddding or the inflation. I have had enough of both lately from all forms of media!!!

Brain: Uh!! Dont worry its something much more exciting. I think the activity on the blog is increasing.

Heart: What do you mean!!! I dont see even one comment. I would say that it is in its most inactive state currently.

Brain: But the number of hits per day has increased in the last couple of days.

Heart: And I think that is because you seem to visit it all the time!!

Brain: I am not that foolish. I do visit it but I do keep track of the numbers too. I see that the number of hits is relatively higher.

Heart: Hmm...strange who do you suspect? Or can it be.....

Brain: (Giving a cunning smile)

Heart: What!!! It is Her??

Brain: I think it is. You know how well I track stuff

Heart: Wait then dont tell anything more. If she is reading this then she knows that you know and that might scare her off!!!

Brain: Thats a stupid thought!! Why would the fact that you know that she knows scare her off! And how do you even know that she actually knows. She might have just been passing by this blog.

Heart: Hmph....you are so naive on these matters....You do know that girls think very differently.

Brain: Then has it been a risk in revelaing that we know that she has been visiting the site.

Heart: May be yes....But the damage is already done....

Brain: So what is the plan for damage control?

Heart: I dont know.....You are the brain

Brain: (Glaring at the heart) Ok all we will do is just go on as if nothing happened. Remember that his conversation never happened!!!

Heart : Even I could have come up with such a stupid plan!!!

And thus as I reveal the fact that I know that She has been visiting the blog often for the last few days, I know I am taking a high risk. This will lead to repercussions and has been a risky thing to do. But what is life without risks!!!

Her thoughts!!!

As I continued to wonder what thoughts could arise in Her mind if She ever read the last few posts I felt that it will be fun to list them down. Now a little bit of background info. I have had the crush for around eight months now and have met Her six times not necessarily in the same period. Also I am pretty confident she will not visit my blog. But if She ever does then I am trying to figure out what her thought process 'could' be. And I will 'never' take any steps to ensure that She does visit my blog.

So let us assume she does visit my blog. What might be her reaction.....She

-thinks "What crap does he write!!!"

-thinks "Is he actually after some girl?"

-thinks "Even if he is after some girl is She for real or is it someone that he is imagining?"

Now She might assume it is someone I am imagining, thinks what a stupid guy I must be and move on, and never come back to my blog.
But She might also think otherwise.....

-thinks "Let us assume She is real....Who the hell is he talking about?"

-thinks "But I dont even know him so well, So maybe I will never guess...."

-thinks "It must be some childhood friend of his"

-thinks "It might even be some college friend of his"

-thinks "But he claims he has had the crush only for eight months now, so it might be someone he has met recently..."

-thinks "But it could also be someone he has known for a long time but has had a crush only for some time now....and dont we know what guys are like!!!"

-thinks "But he claims he has met her only 6 times till date..."

-thinks "So it is quite possible that he has met her only recently..."

-thinks "But why should I care....its none of my business!!!"

Now she might assume that it doesnt matter to her and just moves on and decides to revisit the blog some days later to know if She can get anymore clues. She might also just forget about it and never visit it again. But She might also continue to think!!!

-thinks "But he really has turned out to be more different that what I had assumed him to be....and I never expected him to write such blogs"

-thinks "When did I last meet him?"

-thinks "Actually since when do I know him?"

-thinks "Now why am I getting the feeling that I too fall into this category of eight months and six times... or was it five?"

-thinks "Whenever I have met him I have never noticed any such signs, and a lot can be found by just observing a guy's expressions"

-thinks "Hmm...nah....I dont think I could be the One he is talking about...."

-thinks "And even if I was do I want to be the One he is talking about? Nah I dont think so...."

And thus She might never come back to the blog. And I am completely drained out now trying to figure out a girl's thought process. Believe me....Its a tough thing to do!!!

Now why have I her ended Her thought process on such a pessimistic note. Well thinking that She would actually visit my blog, cross the two hurdles that I have mentioned, reach the last but one thought and actually wanting to be the One is I believe optimism to the point of foolishness!!!

Wondering......

I am wondering what will happen if She reads the last few posts on my blog. Will she be able to guess who I am talking about!!!

In my next post I will try to list out the various possible situations that could arise if She reads my blog.

Nothing about Her

As I have written a number of posts on Her over the past few months I thought before my very very few readers reach the heights of exasperation I should move on to other things. I have decided to write a boring (it of course is boring if She is not mentioned right?) post. So what else has been affecting my life for some time....

I am not sure if the inflation rate is affecting me. I have been reading terms like Cash Reserve Ratio, repo rate and even a more weird term called reverse repo rate. Its only such new terms that is affecting me and not the actual inflation. I have also been reading the economic times for some time now. It does have a lot of statistics in it. But as one columnist aptly put it - Statistics in many ways resembles the bikini - It hides more than what it reveals!!!

Anyway one thing that I am waiting for is the new Harry Potter book. Just last week when the newspaper guy came to collect the payment he passed the remark that I looked like Harry Potter and even after hearing it for the (n+1)th time I was very happy. After all he is one of my fiction heros.

But one thing that did irritate me was the unavailability of the book The Female Brain in some of the leading book stores in Bangalore. I really cant believe that none of the books stores had even heard of it. Hmm...well not many in India is really interested in unravelling the mysteries of the sacred feminine.

Now Mungaru Malay was one movie that I watched last week. I watched it just because The Hindu had it on the first page of the friday review for 3 weeks. And that was the first time I watched a Kannada movie in a cinema hall. It was pretty good but the hype I guess was just because among the kannada movies this turned out to be the best.

But one thing that I did notice was that people are using the word 'anyways'. Now I am not a strict follower of the Queen's Language nor do I really care. I also do not really know the internals of the English language. I have always relied on my perception. If a sentence 'sounds' right to me then I conclude that it must be grammatically right. And most of time I find that I am right. I think the Queen and me share the same audio perception skills. But coming back to the usage of the word 'anyways'. It doesnt sound right to me. And thus I know it is not right to use it. And I prefer that at least the people I know and interact with dont use it. Let me see if my 'I hate anyways' campaign gains some success.

Anyway (Please note the usage!!!) I think I have written a lot of crap already trying to avoid bringing her into the post. Let us hope my dreams come true. But as I just read today: There is nothing wrong in dreaming big, as long as the dreams dont cloud your vision.......

Fantasies

Fantasizing about life is something we all do and I am no exception. After slogging my ass off sitting in front of a computer screen and a TV screen and putting my grey cells to unbearable torture trying to understand why the video and audio are not in sync I think I am allowed to fantasize about stuff during my ride home in the evenings. The first thought that I get is about her, then how I should be doing my MBA in Switzerland, how it would have been if I had proposed to her, had she accepted how we would have settled down in the Swiss Alps (Dont ask me if I would have been grazing cows there), how we would have gone on world tours every year (dont ask me how I would have made money grazing cows...of course the wife would have helped too), how we would have watched the kids grow (yes I mean kid's'..more than one...population is pretty less in Switzerland you see and shouldnt we be doing our bit for the country), how I would have opened an Swiss bank account for the money I earn by grazing cows (in which other bank would you expect me to open an account)..........

But are fantasies just that and nothing more. I think I should try to get some of them into reality. Let me see where I stand.

Thinking About her:

Since its an established fact that 'W' is 'the one', what should I be doing to turn that fantasy into reality. I have the crush for the past 10 months now. I have seen her only 6 times till date. Though I dont believe in love at first sight, I do believe in crush at first sight. So I decided to consolidate the options that I have and naturally ended up in conflicting thoughts from my brain and heart as they decide what is the next step to take

Heart : Call her up man
Brain : No dude you just cant call people up out of the blue. And I dont know the phone number
Heart : I am sure you can get it by asking people.
Brain : Wont that make me look desperate.
Heart : I am sure you have reached the pinnacle of desperation by just writing this post. So what have you got to loose. Just find the number and call her up now....
Brian : I am still not convinced.

Heart : Ok let us try something more subtle. Write her an email. And dont tell me you dont have her mail id. I know you know it by Heart (pun intended)
Brain : But what do I write in it. You are the one with the mushy, corny thoughts. I am no good at it.
Heart : Yeah you are right. I have seen your pathetic attempt in the previous post. Remember to always involve me in writing such letters.

Heart : But you know I too am not convinced of writing letters. Why dont you meet her in person.
Brian : Nah...How can I barge into somebody's house like that.
Heart : You dont have to meet her in her house you idiot. Cant you think of any romantic place.
Brain : I thought finding romantic places was your work and not mine.
Heart : Ok Ok lets not fight over our work portfolio now. What do you think about meeting her.
Brain : As much as I would love it what am I supposed to say to her. You know how dumb I am in front of pretty girls.
Heart : Oh leave the talking to me once you meet her.
Brain : And you will blabber all you feelings and you know when she slaps the face the pain is more closer to the brain that the heart.

Brain : You know all this is fine .... but how are you sure if she will reciprocate the same feelings that you have.
Heart : Hmm....now for the first time you have asked something that makes sense. And I am just the Heart. The brain is the one with the analysing skills.
Brain : At last you have agreed that the brain too plays a role in matters of the heart. So what do you want me to do?
Heart : I really didnt know you were that dumb. Didnt I just tell you I dont know what to do
Brain : But I do... We need to work together. I am sure we will need only 3 meeting with her to find out if she too reciprocates the same feelings. I will look out for her body language when we meet and you watch her eyes. You know a girl's eyes speak a lot.
Heart : Now you are making sense.

Heart : So now its decided. We analyse her body language and eyes. So call her up now.
Brian : Nah....I dont have her number........

Heart (fuming with rage and back to pumping blood)
Brain lost deep in thoughts about the amount of money it is going to make in the Swiss Alps by grazing cows in the snow.

And as I fantasize yet again I wonder if I will ever be able to find out if She is the One.