Veil of ignorance

Why some things happen the way they do is something I have never understood.

I like the movie 'Main hoon na'. Yeah, the one with Shah Rukh and Amrita Rao. Everytime I have mentioned this to people I have been scorned at. Why do I like it. I have no idea.

The other day my manager and me were having a conversation on worldly affairs(!) when she ask me a question. 'Have you observed that as a child you always end up being more closer to your maternal grandparents than the paternal ones. Why do you think that happens.' We did try to delve into the possible reasons. But the more and more I tried to think what the reasons could be the more I felt lost. I have never understood what keeps us closer to the maternal grandparents.

There are a lot of changes that we ourselves bring about in our lives the reasons for which remain unexplained. For example from the 1st of Jan, 2000, I have stopped using a pillow. Now why did I do this. I dont know. Some activites become a part of our lives and we tend to conclude that these activites are inevitable. But from one fine day we stop doing it. I have never understood these self imposed abrupt changes in life.

Success people say comes after perspiration. I will not refute that. But in the end the factor called luck plays an important role. Some of them have it, some of us dont. But who decides what role it plays and how much does it affect our lives is something I have never understood.

Beauty may lie in the eye of the beholder. Many girls looks pretty but you forget them the moment you turn your eyes away. Some entice your eyes to linger a bit longer. But a few really captivate you. This may be natural. But I have noticed a strange thing. The ones that captivate you are all alike. Yeah, sounds absurd but weird. But I find that the ones I am really attracted to have approximately similar features. Thin, short, broad forehead, a V shaped face, not very fair, with glasses. I have never understood why.

But am I looking for answers. Maybe not. It is better to stand behind the veil of ignorance. After all unsolved mysteries add a charm to life.

On the black chair

I walked into the house when Pakistan had lost one wicket. I asked my roomate who was sitting on the black chair right in front of the screen to concede that place to me. After all in every match that I had watched sitting on that black chair India had won. He obliged. The second wicket fell as soon as I sat on the chair. And the rest of course is history.

Now every individual among the billion Indians has an opinion on why India won. Some whould say it was luck. Some would say it was because of the talent, some would say it was because of Yuvaraj and others might attribute the success to Dhoni's captaincy. I am not an ardent fan of cricket. Neither have I ever critically analysed the game. So I will not delve into the reasons that led to the victory.

But I will talk about the entertainment that the T20 format of the game provides. It is the fast pace at which the game moves and the unpredictability associated with it that keeps the viewer glued to the screen. The new set of rules is a refreshing change to the game. And of course the concept of the dug-out as well as the playback of the batsmen's favourite song as he walks in causes exhilaration. And who can forget the dancing girls who set the stage on fire.

And of course the captain needs a pat on his back. But thats all he should get. He may have done a wonderful job, but I believe that he still has a long way to go. What I believe he had was beginner's luck. What makes a true leader is consistency. So instead of making him god overnight we must provide support and give him opportunities to prove that he is capable of being a leader. And he not like our erstwhile captains who used to give refined answers to questions posed by the media. He just speaks his heart out. And if I was his PRO, I would have been fidgeting evertime he got near a mike.

The other thing that I really appreciate is the coverage. After all to gain popularity the game needs to be presented really well to the millions of people across the globe. And ESPN-Star does it amazingly well. It undoubtedly has the best critics on the panel. Though for the first time we find that it is struggling to adjust the airing of ads in between overs. But it has done a reasonable job given the fact that the limited overs gives it very less advertising time. And the best part is that during the final 4 overs of the game it does not air ads even during the over change. But the icing on the cake is the small clip that he shows with a medly of events that occurred during the game interspersed with scenes from the crowd, the dancers and the emotions of the players added with great music. This fully summarises the spirit of the game. Kudos to ESPN-Star.

A new from of entertainment has taken birth. Lets nurture it well. And I will preserve the black chair.

Another day in paradise.......

Hutch is now Vodafone. I have started loving the T20 version of the game. And I have turned 24. Is that a milestone. Maybe its just another year passing by. After all why should birthdays be milestones. They will inevitably come if you are alive.

So whats special today? Thats the question everyone who wished me asked. And I had to give the same answer - Nothing actually....just another normal day! But I have observed something. For the last few years my birthdays have been pretty special. Its always been associated with a happy event. Let me see.....I joined engineering college the day I completed 18. That was a milestone I would say. A new chapter in life had begun.

I got my second job in campus placements just an hour before I turned 21. And believe me that did have something to do with the stars! I did not know what had got into me that day when I answered questions in quantitative analysis like a pro!

On the day I completed 22, I solved the toughest problem that I have ever faced in a project at my workplace. It had been a month after I had got into my first job an there were eyes all over the place watching me to see if I displayed any potential. I myself did not have any self confidence. When I solved the problem that had been affecting the project for quite a while, the company knew they had got a person who they could rely on and I knew I had got into a job that I liked!
(Yeah...I have shed all my modesty while writing this!)

On the day I completed 23, I was in Eindhoven. After all not always will I get a chance like that!!!

And now its 24. The people who I thought would wish have wished, a few who I didnt expect would wish have also wished, and some as usual have forgotten! And of course the one who I really hoped would wish - also wished!!! It has been a pleasant experience but nothing really unexpected happened. Maybe the stars are not aligned in the right positions! Or maybe turning 24 is not a milestone.

Sometimes I feel everyday in life is my birthday. After all even with all the challenges that life throws up I have learnt to remain happy! It is like the dog in the Hutch ad. After a long walk it returns to find a change in its kennel. It accepts the change and continues its life. After all its just another day in paradise.

Am I mobile

I was just reminiscing my first memories of the now ubiquitous mobile phone. There was a time when it was a luxury. Very few had it. And I remember hearing that the call charges were something like Rs 10 per minute. But I still remember my grandfather's remark - Just keep seeing, one day the BSNL will replace all its landlines with mobile phones.

That may not have happened yet, we inch closer to it everyday. The first time I saw a mobile phone from close quarters was I think after I joined college. Maybe that was because I came to the big city for the first time. In my hometown even a landline was a luxury! I was a hostelite during the years the mobile phone saw exponential growth. In my first year of college it was the rich kids who possessed one. It was an object of envy for many. But the high call charges were very discouraging. And the need for it had not arisen.

The second year of college saw no difference, though handset prices and call charges fell down marginally. Still I was not interested in having one. Somehow I felt that it was something I need to buy only from my own money. But towards the end of the third year things changed drastically. Prices went plummeting. A mobile phone was no longer a luxury. Overnight it had become a necessity.

I got my first phone during my fourth year of engineering. It was a Sony Ericsson T610 which my uncle was using. He wanted to upgrade and I was more than happy to get it from him. It was a phone loaded with features - including a camera and bluetooth. It kept me fascinated for quite a while. A close friend of mine helped me choose the number which I continue to have till today. But I slowly realised that I never really used my phone to the fullest. I always remained detached from it. I started getting the feeling that it might have been societal pressures and not necessity that led me to get a phone.

I lost the phone a year later. I had just joined work. Now I tried to reason out in my mind. Do I need to go for a high end phone or maybe just get a basic model. I ended up buying a very simple one for around 4.5k. I use it till today. And I got one for my parents. But somehow I have never felt that I even need one. Most of the time its in silent mode. I end up not picking up all the calls. I used to get SMSs when I was in college. They have stopped now. I still have SMSs in my phone which are nearly a year old. The only people who call are the Hutch lady and my mom. I never respond to missed calls from unknown numbers.

And I never miss my phone. I lived without it when I was out of the country. I never felt that I needed it. Yesterday I forgot to take it with me to office and didnt even realise it till evening. Only when a collegue called me on my desk and asked me why I was not picking up his call did I realise that it wasnt with me!

Do I really need one?

Listing friends........

Making a list is always an intricate job. After all you might miss something thats essential or add something thats expendable. And making a list of friends is a very precarious thing to do. Missing someone here might lead to incorrigible discords in relationships. But with blatant disregard for such repercussions and with the hope that I will be excused if I miss someone I started creating such a list. Missing someone on the list should be attributed to mere oversight and aging.

Who are my friends. I tried to categorize them into groups. Let us start with my school friends. Now these are the people I have known for nearly 20 years now, some even for 23. Surprisingly they are the ones I am still close to. At least some of them. They are in no particular order - Akshat, Karthik, Naveen, Nidish, Raghu, Shivakumar, Siddharth, Sudesh, Sujith, Vinuthan, Neha, Rose, Deepika.....(those trailing dots represent people I have missed).

Next comes the group of people who I met in college. Being a hostelite I had numerous acquaintances but somehow my distrustful nature led to only a few frutiful relationships. And somehow there were at least two sets of friends in college. One being - Rupam, Satyakam and Santosh. And the other being my roomates - Nagaraj, another Nagaraj and Shrikanth. These are people I have known for 6 years now. Of course another college friend of mine is Sparsha who has also been spoken about in this blog a couple of times.

Next come the people from my workplace. Though I follow a strict rule on not mixing my blog with work (though most of the blogs are written in office!) I am going to allow an exception. But here again I find that though I interact with quite a lot of people somehow I have remained aloof from most of them. I could only think of two people - Paurush and Shiraz, who I can classify as friends.

Then I have one friend who does not fall into any of the above categories! And I could not fit her into any. Its a new friend who I will name as T (She would not like her name to be mentioned in the blog, but I am sure that if She reads this post She will know its her I am talking about!)

I have observed that most of the people I consider as friends have been given that status after a lot of delibration in my mind. Somehow I have never made impromptu friends. And I take time to get into a certain comfort level with people before I consider them as close friends. Of course the number of acquaintances is huge but that seemingly thin line between an acquaintance and a friend is somehow thicker in my case.

Tying the knot

Marriage is claimed to be an institution. I have been in one for 23 years now. My parents have been in the same for 25 years. Till today I have never wondered how difficult it is to be a part of it. I have always been shielded from the various challenges associated with it.

Some get to marry the one they love and many love someone they marry. But a lot of commitment and compromise goes into a relationship to keep it alive. And my parents have been doing it for 25 years now. Something that I really envy. Will I ever be able to do it. That remains to be seen yet.

But what actually makes a relationship? I believe that the urge to make it work is the main driving force. Love may only act as a catalyst. And then once the couple enter into a comfort zone, love may become unimportant. Children may then become the priority. And that helps in sustaining the marriage.

Yet we see an increasing number of broken marriages today. Personal space is considered to be extremely important. Compromise is not the keyword. Love may sustain the marriage for sometime. And the couples rarely enter the comfort zone. The couple dont care about societal pressures. Individualistic whims are given more priority.

Live-in relationships and kids out of wedlock, same sex marriage and the likes are slowly proliferating into our society. Aping the west is anyway our norm. But the younger couples are trying hard to face the vagaries of marriage and once again its only the urge to make it work that can sustain one.

Tunneling through

The tear didnt drop at all! Now I have discovered something about myself. I just cant stay depressed. I get the feeling that the depression shown in the previous post is mostly pretentious. Somehow the impulsion to defy depression seems to repudiate the actual cause. The impetus to look at the brighter side supersedes the urge to soak myself in desolation. And if I dont find the light at the end of the tunnel then the best way forward is to light up a torch and continue my journey. I may not always carry a torch. Then its the penchant for relying on instincts that carves the path.

What is the relevance of the tunnel that I so often talk about? Is it symbolizing the journey called life? Many would argue that here lies the aberration. A tunnel usually signifies a straight path. The end goal which is presumed to be the end of the tunnel is sometimes reached and sometimes not. But are we oversimplifying life by comparing it with a tunnel. After all there are some who take a deviation from the obvious and try to tunnel their way through the unknown. Maybe life is not comparable to the tunnel.

But the entire journey called life revolves around one goal. To tunnel your way through downturns and focus on reaching the peak. Remember that everyday you wake up in the morning you are one step closer to the pinnacle.

Yet the tear didnt drop

I was in pain. I felt weak. My body was numb. I was shivering. My body was tormenting my mind. I felt helpless. Yet the tear didnt drop.

Depression took over. My brain had gone dead. I was staring into oblivion. I could feel my eyes going moist. Yet the tear didnt drop.

My heart was in agony. I understood for the first time what is 'pain in the heart'. It actually does ache. It tried hard to stay strong but was being pushed into despair. Yet the tear didnt drop.

I felt lost. Rationality and sense evaded me. I felt disoriented. I could not spot any light at the end of the tunnel. Hopelessness took over. Yet the tear didnt drop.

I wanted to cry out loud. The misery was excruciating. The grief led to despodency. I felt heavyhearted. Yet the tear didnt drop.

pS : I thought I needed to capitalise on my somber mood by writing a depressing post. After all I have this uncanny knack of getting over depression very quickly.

*********

Brain : Thus we lose Her.

Heart : We do.

Brain : She was never ours in the first place. So what have we got to lose.

Heart : Perspective. Light in darkness can be found or ignited.

Whose birthday is it anyway

I have a problem. I never remember birthdays. The dates just dont stick to my memory. I dont remember the birthdays of my friends, collegues, or for that matter not even the birthdays of my family members. Sometimes I am confused with my own birthday! Just today I received an SMS in the morning from a college friend of mine and a reader of the blog. It said "Yesterday was my birthday".

Now this is an embarassing situation to be in. I have assigned the job of reminding to some people. A friend of mine always reminds me of the birthdays of my friends a day before. I have made it a point to remember at least his. My mom always calls up when it is a family member's birthday. She knows I would have forgotten.

All it is going to take is a sincere effort from me to collect the birth dates of all the people I care for and set a reminder. But laziness always wins. Its always been a belated wish from me. And then every year I have to repeat the samething to all the people who I wish belatedly - I didnt remember. Now some of my friends know me for a while now and just dont care. But what if I had a girlfriend and didnt wish her on her birthday. I strongly believe she will dump me on that day itself!

So people, its not that I dont care. Its just that I cant remember.

What makes us happy

Man's repertoire of emotions is colossal and diverse. Happiness being at the pinnacle and the one most sought after. Everyone strives to do things that make them happy. But what actually makes us happy? Well to understand that maybe we need to just retrospect.

Happiness is usually ephemeral. There are some things that keep us happy for an instant. For instance when we see something really beautiful and mesmerising, we feel happy. It could be snow clad mountains, or a pretty girl. It could be some ad on the television that captivates you. Like the Axis Bank ad where the message is effectively put across by using twins, or the Jaypee group ad where the boy tries to impress the girl by deceit. It could be some small unexpected gift from someone. Sources of happiness is unique to the individual. Some might feel happy by just seeing a train pass by. Others might derive joy by just looking at a flower.

We might also feel happy for longer periods of time. Watching a television show like FRIENDS might keep you happy for an hour. Maybe chatting over messenger or talking over the phone with someone special can be a blissful experience. Maybe a comedy movie keeps our mood upbeat. An outing with some close friends can be gratifying. Or then a nights sleep with only happy dreams might keep us vivacious throughout the day. Many would claim that success leads to happiness. So we always want to succeed. But happiness is just one of the by-products of success.

The whole is sometimes considered to be equal to the sum of the parts. If we can fill every instant of our life with events that keep us happy then does that mean that we can make happiness in our lives eternal. Can we eradicate depression. That might be possible in an ideal world but people say we live in non-ideal times. And then again many would argue that the source of happiness is also always not under our control. But what we control is our choice to decide what can be the source. If we elicit happiness from sources that we can manipulate then we have tamed the emotion called happiness.

Make the right choice and stay happy.