The sexes

The following is a conversation between a married couple.......

Mary comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her feelings about the day.

Mary : "There is so much to do; I don't have any time for myself."

Tom : "You should quit that job. You don't have to work so hard. Find something you like to do."

Mary : "But I like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment's notice."

Tom : "Don't listen to them. Just do what you can do."

Mary : "I am! I can't believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today."

Tom : "Don't worry about it, she'll understand."

Mary : "Do you know what she is going through? She needs me."

Tom : "You worry too much, that's why you're so unhappy."

Mary (angry) : "I am not always unhappy. Can't you just listen to me?"

Tom : "I am listening."

Mary : "Why do I even bother?"

After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than when she arrived home seeking intimacy and companionship. Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem-solving tactics didn't work.

Now take a look at how this conversation could have gone.....


When Mary comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They sound like this:

Mary : "There is so much to do. I have no time for me."

Tom (takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale) : "Humph, sounds Iike you had a hard day."

Mary: "They expect me to change everything at a moment's notice. I don't know what to do."

Tom (pauses) : "Hmmm."

Mary : "I even forgot to call my aunt."

Tom (with a slightly wrinkled brow) : "Oh, no."

Mary : "She needs me so much right now. I feel so bad."

Tom : "You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug."

Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says...

Mary : "I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better."

Not only Mary but also Tom felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen. Tom learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

Well people, I am not starting any relationship counselling........ I was reading the book Men are from mars women are from venus and the above was an excerpt from the same.

While the government tries to make the pre marital test for AIDS a compulsory, thing I plan to add " Compulsory Reading and understanding of Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" in my pre-nuptial agreement !!!


PS : People who are willing to tread the path of enlightenment by decoding the opposite sex can leave a comment and I will send a copy of the ebook by email.

Reality check

I had been conversing with my cousin (3 years elder to me) over e-mail for some days. He got married last year,the girl being his girlfriend from college. He stays in the US. Its been nearly 8 years since i had seenhim in person. The conversation was about nothing in particular.

During the same period my mom called me one evening. The usual things (like eat properly,sleep properly .... ) were discussed and then the conversation took a new turn....

Mom : U know, Ur cousin ***** had called up today (**** being the same cousin)

Me : Oh is it....I too have been mailing him often

Mom : Ya he told me.....
(then there was a pause....Meanwhile I could hear my dad telling my mom " Ask him, Ask him")

Me : What is dad telling ???

Mom (hesitating a bit) : Ur cousin told us that you have a girlfriend in bangalore and thats why you dont even come home very often.....

Me(range of thoughts) : Uh??? (shock)

Oh...... (confusion - did I ever talk to my cousin about girls??)

Did he say that (anger -- realising my cousin had played a prank)

hmmmm (dilemma - No havin an idea on how to react, this being the first time my parents were talking about this topic with me)

U know me well....do u think I can have a girlfriend???? (also taking the safest route by posing the question back to her to know her
reaction if I had one)


Mom : Ha...thats what I told ur cousin. I know u have a couple of friends who are girls......but "girlfriend".....I know u will not have one
(could also actually hear a sigh of relief from my dad)

Mom : And dont you think about all this. First you concentrate on your work. Then you have to do is study and get your PG degree.We will find the girl for you. There is a lot of time.

Me : uh...ok....

and the topic of discussion was changed.......

Points to be noted :
1. I can react well to tricky questions (or can I???)

2. My mom thinks I am not the kind of guy who can have a girlfriend.

3. My mom thinks I shouldnt have a girlfriend

4. I know my dad shares the same thoughts

5. I have to stop thinking about falling in love with a girl(or should I??)

6. I should go home more often

7. I have to do my PG

8. There is a "lot of time" for my marriage....I hope all my hairs dont fall off by then

9. I am thinking of someway I can get back at my cousin

PS : Check this post to find out more about my clan

Musings

Well I really dont want to write anything on love, relationships, marriage, AIDS, sex. I thought i will crib a bit about my life in general. But then realised that the few people who do read my blog are people who know me well. Once i start cribbing about life i might lose the few readers that i have. ( ya i know i hav started cribbing already)

I thought i will just mention thoughts that have been running in my head over a period of time....

1. I still have not decided what i will write.....maybe i hav no thoughts......

2. no wait i do have some thoughts.....and its not about sexy gals

3. neither is it handsome guys....

4. I dont know why i leave so early for work. I get up at 6 30 in the morning. Catch the bus at 7 and reach office by 8. I try to beat the temperature. Yes i reach office by the time the temperature is 25 degrees. Everyday i cross MG road and see the barricades put up for the Bangalore Metro. I can see people straining their necks to see what the barricades are hiding. What do they expect....railway tracks? Well who am I to complain. I too did that for a week.

5. I read blogs the whole day. I come to office at 8 and read some blogs. I have breakfast at 8 30 and then read some more blogs. I see my manager come in at 9. Give her a smile and continue to read blogs. I also have pre lunch and post lunch blog reading sessions. Once its 4 30 in the evening then who can work. I continue to read blogs. I read them till 8 in the evening. When do i work?

6. I do not work in office. Being a software engineer u would have expected me to have written mind boggling C codes. Well I havent. The only thing i have used is the printf ( for the uninitiated thats the magic thing that prints stuff on the screen). Its helped me a lot in debugging and win laurels for me and my company.

5. I irritated my ex manager during the appraisal time. Gave him fundas on people management. Gave him the feeling that the whole project would have be scrapped if i had not been there. He took a month to decide my rating and came back with it last week. I got rated as ***** ( well people do u really think i will mention that in the public domain......and of course its not a 5 star rating.....thats only for movies like K3G). I again drilled him about the whole appraisal process and tried to prove to him that the bell curve method used for calibration is full of flaws. After 2 hours ( the meeting was scheduled for half hour) he asked me if I was a MBA graduate of was I pursuing an MBA somewhere. I decided to stop lest he planned to change the rating.

6. I have never felt lonely. I have my companion with me always sitting on my head. Its my thinking cap. Its been with me all my life ........ wait a sec, i think i will dedicate a whole post to it.

7. I am not going to talk about my blooming love life.

8. I feel very insecure about my career. All i want is a job in which all I am doing is travelling. All this software thing is crap.

9. My manager just came in and i smiled at her.

I think its time to add few more printfs.........

Wedding Bells - The other side

She stared at the screen. He had sent a mail. She had not opened it yet.
She had been a close friend of his for quite some years. But they had never crossed that line of friendship to enter the region of commitment or relationship. The subject of the mail was 'Hi'.

She opened the mail. She had mixed emotions. She didnt know if she should be angry with him not keeping in touch or should she be happy that he had sent a mail.

Hi,
How is life? I know its been a long time.....

It had been ten years since they had last had a conversation. She had just completed her 12th grade and he was in college when she had to leave the country. Her dad had been put on an overseas assignment.

So I think the last time we met was in the airport.

She remembered that very well. She was leaving and was alone as her parents had already left. A couple of friends had come to the airport but she was anxiously waiting for him. He came with only a few minutes to spare. She could sense the sadness in him. But she couldnt muster the courage to tell him that she harboured feelings for him.

Well I think we did spend a good part of our teenage life together. I really think that was the best part of my life. Do u remember that pact we made......

How could she forget the pact. Just a couple of months before she left she decided that she had to make a move. She had realised that he will always look at her as a friend and they will never be able to take the relationship to something more than just friends. But she also didnt want to ruin the friendship. So she decided to show a sign hoping he will catch it. She put forth the pact. He had agreed to it naturally but she could see the "not so interested" look in his face as he said yes. Now why was he bringing this up....

Well I thought I will inform you that the pact may not hold good anymore. I am getting married next month. I really would like you to be there........

How could she go.....She turned her tearful eyes away from the monitor.

Her eyes fell on the TV screen. "My Best Friend's Wedding " was the movie that was playing.

Her eyes lit up. She would surely go...........

Wedding Bells

Me and my "just close friend" (girl of course)........

Girl : Hey lets arrive at a pact

Me (thinking on the levels of manmohan and bush) : Uh...

Girl : If by the age of 35 neither of us r married we should hook up together......

Me ( why will I not be married by 35......might have even had 2 kids) : Oh sure......

Many years later.........

Scene 1, Act 1:
Me, completed my MBA. Earning Euro salary, settled in europe, some leftover hair on head, mostly grey, paunch clearly visible, Age 28

Mom and me looking at prospective brides through Sabeer bhatia's instacoll

Mom (showing pics) : These r the latest options u hav. Actually I hav a lot more. What do u say?

Me (drooling at the pics, all look like miss india finalists) : Mom I am confused who to pick. Why dont we hold a swayamvar and let me choose on the spot. ( Or will it now be called swayam-vadhu)


Scene 1, Act 2 :
Me, MBA, in bangalore, 7 figure salary, same hair, same paunch, Age 28

Me downloading pics of prospective brides sent by mom in mail and talking to her on phone

Mom : So how are the pics, Liked any

Me ( not some much drool, some might make it to miss india contest) : they r all just ok mom, but......

Mom : this is the best u can get, and most of them want an international holiday a year, and a car of their own.....

Me (thoughts of dowry vapourising) : Uh....ok

Scene 1, Act3 :

Me, no MBA, no trips onsite, bangalore, 6 figure salary, same hair, same paunch, Age 28

Mom : If only u were gay....

Me (shocked, didnt even expect her to know the word) : Why mom?????/

Mom (nearly in tears) : We could have had more options


Me, franctically trying to get in touch with "just close friend"..........

Picking her up

I had just left my workplace. It was around 8 in the evening. I just walked out of the gate when I saw him. I felt he wanted to ask me something. At first glance he looked like a localite but when he spoke I could observe an accent which immediately led me to conclude that he must be an Asian from the US.

Guy : Hi I have just arrived in Bangalore and stay with a couple friends here. Could you tell me where I can find a pub nearby ?

Me (having been asked directions quite often.....but never to a pub) : U could try MG road. Thats very close by. U will find quite a few there.

Guy : How do I get there ?

Me (pointing to an autorickshaw) : U could go in that.

Guy : Till what time are the pubs open here ?

Me (hesitating a bit as I had never been to one.....but I did remember someting about the 11:30 deadline......also not sure if it applied to pubs) : I think 11:30

Guy (surprised...shocked and the likes) : What??

Me : I really dont know

Guy (now there was some hesitation in his voice as he realised he has chosen the wrong person) : Err....umm.....could you tell me some place where I can pick up girls......

Me (no expression) : uh....oh....ummm..... (no coherent words)

Guy (could sense the disappointment) : I have asked this question to quite a few people today and I have never got an answer.....there is always some hesitation......

Me (now getting over the shock......at least I have not been the only one not able to answer him) : Well you must have asked all the wrong people.

Guy : Thats ok.....Nice meeting you

He walks off. I had half a mind to accompany him, to see him succeed.

Now whats wrong with me ? Well I better not open that door and give my readers a chance they have been waiting for to answer that.

Rephrasing the question....Why was I not able to answer him that question on picking up girls. Is it because I am not interested in girls ( NOT to be read as ' interested in guys' ). Or is it that I dont have the confidence to actually ask a girl out.

Or is it that I am waiting for the right girl. Maybe when I actually meet that right gal I will automatically get the confidence to ask her out.

But my imaginary right gal is not the one who I imagine will sitting in a pub (nor will she be one with two pony tails riding a bicycle in a muddy road in a village.....oh if she is as beautiful as her I might giv it a thought)

Then how do I pick her up?


Author of the post is scratching his head in his usual style but the act is only leading to hairfall and not answers



PS : I hope she is not waiting for me in a pub waiting to be picked up by me cos thats not going to happen........

Another PS : Check out the Blog-a-thon on the Blank noise project

Just friends ?

She had not come home yet........

Her mom was glancing through the window now and then anxiously. Her dad was getting the " you have given her a lot of freedom" stares from his wife. He was constantly trying to avoid the stares.

Her dad had never questioned his daughter on her decisions in life. He knew she had inherited the good looks of her mom and was making a lot of eyes turn in college. But he was also confident that she had the level headedness and decision making abilities that he possessed. He had given her a free reign to lead her own life.

But today a bit of anxiety was visible on his face too. It was her birthday. More importantly she was going abroad in a couple of days to pursue her graduate studies.

The sound of a vehicle was heard. Her mom leaped to the window with her dad following. She had arrived. There was a guy with her. They stood facing each other for half a minute. The conversation of course could not be heard.

Then they hugged each other.......

Her mom was speechless. Her dad had never given her daughter's private life a second thought. He knew she had a lot of friends who were guys. But he had never really felt that she might be in a relationship with any of them. He now had hundreds of thoughts in his head and was not in a position to comprehend them.

They hugged each other for a couple of minutes ( or at least it seemed that long to her parents) and then moved apart. She then walked towards the house. They had not given each other a second glance. She could see her parents standing at the window. They had not moved a bit.

She walked in. She knew her parents would never ask her for an explanation. But she said.......

" We met in college. During the first few days it was just a hi-bye thing but soon we began interacting more. Quite a lot of our thoughts and ideas matched and we were beginning to feel comfortable in each others company. And one such thought, thought not explicitly mentioned, was that we would just be close friends. Both of us did not believe in the " I am in love with you " thing. We would just make fun of the various 'couples' in college and always feel relieved that the words commitment and responsibility didnt exist between us.

Then there came a point when I started feeling that I was slowly developing feelings towards him. This roughly translated to the fact that I was having a crush on him. This actually could have been the effect of the movie Hum Tum that we watched together. But I tried hard to conceal these feelings as I knew that I would soon get over them.
As I had predicted they didnt last long. A couple of months back I had totally got over these feelings.

Today as it was my birthday we had gone out for dinner. On the way back I told him about the crush I had had on him. He took me totally by surprise by telling that he too had a crush on me at the time we met in the beginning but had never acted on it.

Both of us looked at each other and immediately knew we still wanted to remain only friends. But we had learnt the thing that a guy and a gal can never be "just close friends"

Her mom was still speechless. Her dad just smiled.

She is my daughter...........